I spent a good deal of yesterday at the mall, and just like all days at the mall, I learned a lot about our society. Specifically, yesterday I learned a little something about cell phones.

Now, my feelings about cell phones are well documented, but there's something new out there I want to comment on. Apparently, teenagers are now using direct connect, which is a cell phone that also features a walky talky function. I'd seen these before, usually carried by construction workers, but now it's spread to our nation's youth as well. In my opinion, there's a simple reason for this: Ostentatiousness.

Quite simply, cell phones aren't as ostentatious as they once were. At one point in time a teenager could get all the attention he or she craved simply by walking around a mall carrying on a conversation on a cell phone. Now, old ladies are doing that, and it's just not annoying enough to get attention. Enter direct connect.

There are a couple key differences between cell phones and direct connect. Since it's a walky talky, the voice of the other party comes loudly out into the world, rather than through an earpiece. It's also preceded by a loud beep. Furthermore, replies are shouted into the mouthpiece, rather than spoken in, once again a la walky talkies.

You can see how this would garner more attention than a regular cell phone. Consider the following conversation, designed to create maximum uncomfortableness for people within earshot.

Cell Phone:
Teen in mall- You're kidding! She let him put it in there?

Direct connect:
Teen in mall-YOU'RE KIDDING! SHE LET HIM PUT IT IN THERE?!?
Phone-BEEP!
Teen in other mall- YEAH! AND WITHOUT LUBE!

Obviously, we've reached a whole new plateau.

Today, meanwhile, I learned that blackouts suck when you desperately want to use your Playstation 2 or post your wry observations online.