Man, I haven't posted one of these in a while! But this one is timely. I stole the idea from Deuce's excellent but far more earnest essay. I took the basic idea and, well, you'll see.

SIT DOWN, YOU’RE ROCKIN’ THE VOTE

This is going to be a very difficult column for me to write. It’s going to require every ounce of restraint I possess…which means that there will be no Halloween candy left when the kids show up on the 31st. Sorry, kids. My self-restraint was being put towards a loftier goal.

You see, I want to write a column about the importance of getting out and voting on November 7th. I happen to believe that voting is one of the most important things you can do…and one of the most fun! It’s all the fun of standing behind a curtain, plus the excitement of pulling a lever! They should start charging people to vote, it’s so fun…in fact, I think that’s one of the options they’re considering to help fund New York City schools.

The problem is that I want to appeal to all of my fellow Goshenites and Chestericans to vote…not just the ones whose opinions I happen to agree with. That’s how important I hold the institution of voting. But what that means is that, in order to make my message of civic responsibility palatable to the widest possible audience, I’m going to have to engage in a little bit of self-censorship.

I’m practically bursting to take a stand on the issues facing our region and our nation at this critical midterm election. There are certain…things I want to say. Certain positions I’d like to take. Certain smug faces of certain world leaders I’d like to rub the very real possibility of an opposition party landslide victory in. Darn it, there I go. Now I have to put a nickel in the “partisanship” jar.

But this election is bigger than any one party…or for that matter any other party who are having one of those election cycles where you just want to curl up in bed with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s (…ten cents). Voting is about each of us taking responsibility for our government and standing up to make our voices heard. You say that one person can’t possibly make a difference? …You know, you might be on to something there. It’s probably best to bring three or four hundred of your friends along with you when you vote, just to make sure you get noticed.

Look, I know it’s disappointing that the perfect candidate doesn’t exist. And I realize it can feel like a cop-out to have to vote for the lesser of two evils. But voting for the lesser of two evils isn’t as bad as it’s cracked up to be, especially when one evil’s way more evil. If someone came up to you on the street and said, “Excuse me, sir, would you like me to step on your foot or stab you repeatedly with this machete,” you wouldn’t say, “Eh, surprise me.”

There’s a lot more riding on this election than sweet, sweet revenge for bamboozling the country in the past two presidential elections (fifteen cents…). With the governor, the attorney general, and local state and federal representatives in the running, this will be an election that affects our area for years to come. So, whether you plan on voting for Governor Spitzer (twenty cents…) or what’s his face (twenty-five cents…) the important thing is that you just get out there and vote. If you’re not registered, visit govote.org.

And if you’re out registering and you happen to run by the store, could you pick me up a new bag of Halloween candy? I’ve got even less willpower than I thought.