This one's publishing today.

Title: "The Salesian - Not Just for Racoons Anymore"

Hey, is anyone else excited about the things afoot at the Salesian Property?

I can’t remember this many people talking about a seminary since my second grade class realized it meant a school for priests and not something dirty. But this time, instead of misunderstood vocabulary, the reshaping of a town is the cause of excitement.

Current proposals call for the decrepit site of the Salesian School, which I have known for my entire life as “that place behind that gate over there,” to be reshaped into a very exciting-sounding library and town park complex. But what has my heart all aflutter is the fact that this entire project, which would become the heart and soul of Goshen, sounds like’s it’s designed by and for nerds.

Now, please don’t get me wrong. I’m a gigantic nerd, and I’ve always felt a little out of place in Red-Statey Goshen. Luckily, the designers working on the Salesian property have heard and, obviously, felt my pain, because it sounds like it’s going to be a nerd’s paradise. For starters, the park is going to be a “passive” park, explicitly meant for communing with nature and your fellow man and not for playing sports. Yes, that’s actually part of the design of this place – no sports. In fact, even the athletic field area (waaaaaay in the back, thank you very much) isn’t meant for organized team sports, but for kite flying and maybe an occasional impromptu Frisbee game. Nerdtopia!

There’s going to be a library, a “living library” of trees, and something called a “Knoll Council Ring,” which is a circular stone area for people to gather, talk to each other and play guitar or flute. I don’t know why, but every time I picture Goshenites gathering in a stone circle to play flutes and converse, they’re wearing togas. Which, again, I think is awesome. Mark my words, the first mayor elected after this park is built will be a Philosopher-King, who rules based on Universal truths culled from the wisdom of the ancients. He or she will also be a giant nerd.

But I don’t want my non-nerdy brethren to despair. This project holds some interest for you as well. There will be an area where concerts can be held, and there’s sure to be some very interesting statues that kids can skateboard on. Plus, there will be a swimming pond, or, as I like to call it, a swimmin’ hole. This will finally address one of my deepest regrets of childhood: the fact that I was never able to say, “Hey, fellas, let’s go down the ol’ swimmin’ hole!” You never have to say “to” when you’re talking about a swimmin’ hole.

Unfortunately this thing’s over a decade off, so it’ll be my sure-to-be-nerdy kids who take full advantage of it. Until then, Goshen can have its football games and its Republican lawmakers. And I can sleep tight knowing in the back of my mind that the revenge of the nerds is nigh at hand.

There's a certain column that's been making waves round these parts the last couple days. This isn't it. This is the new column I'm writing for one of our local weeklies, called "Local Boy Makes Good." It appears 2 times a month and it's the first time I've done a column since Hijinx Ensue in college. Since, for some reason, they don't put them in the online edition of the paper, I'll reprint them here. I hope the paper doesn't mind. Here's the introductory column that ran under the title "Goin' Back to Goshen":

Hi, my name is Justin and I’m from Goshen. Or, as the kids call it, “Slow-Motion Goshen.” Oh, don’t look so shocked, parents. And you, Chester, don’t look so smug – I’m sure the kids have a derisive rhyming name for your town, too. Perhaps, “Sit-and-Fester Chester.” If the kids don’t have one yet, they can feel free to use that.

The point is that, for youths, Goshen can be pretty boring. If you’re young and you can’t drive, Goshen is like some cruelly engineered trap to keep you indoors doing homework. I spent most of my childhood (which ended in 1998, or 1993 if you believe my Rabbi) plotting the day I would escape and move onto bigger and better places…maybe someplace with a thriving artistic scene…or a supermarket.

So why am I 24 years old and living in Goshen? Why do I actually own the very same house I used to dream of escaping as a boy?

No, seriously, why? If someone can answer that for me I’d really appreciate it.

Actually, at one point, I did escape. I left Goshen and went to college in the big city. Well, a big city. Okay, Boston. The important thing is that I experienced the fast-paced life I had dreamed of. Arts! Culture! More than four restaurants! An unreliable mass transit system!

And yet, somehow, on my visits home on holidays and during the summer, I came to appreciate country living. There’s peace and quiet, beautiful scenery, and it doesn’t cost $10 to go to a movie. Can you believe that—$10! And in cities, only the first show counts as a matinee on weekends. Yes, Orange County is a beautiful place where every show before 6 P.M. is a matinee. No wonder all those city people keep moving up here and driving up the price of hous—I mean…making our town more wonderful!

Did me moving back have something to do with the fact that both my wife and I grew up here and our families lived here? Perhaps. Did it have something to do with the fact that my mom was able to sell us her house in Goshen and that’s the only way we could ever, ever afford owning a home in a million years? Maybe. Stop asking questions.

The main thing is that I’m a Goshenite now. I pay taxes. I get The Chronicle mailed to my home. I buy groceries in Chester. And I know that some day, when I have little Goshenites of my own, I’ll be able to sit them down and say those magic words that I heard so often as a child: “No, I can’t drive you to the mall right now. Go play outside! What do you mean there’s nothing to do? Why don’t you go downtown and…uh…well…you’ll appreciate this place when you’re older!”

And here's the second column which ran last Friday under the title "Hot Dog! It's V-Day". Bear in mind while reading it - the subject has been ALL the letters columns of the local weeklies have been talking about for over a month.

There’s an issue that I feel needs addressing in this column. It’s something that has captured the imagination of everyone within a 10-mile radius of Middletown, including my fellow Goshenites and our sister townspeople, the Chestericans.
I can feel the public practically begging me to address this very hot topic. I’m speaking, of course, about the fact that the Home Depot hot dog guy was recently forced out of his spot in front of the store. Unfortunately, it’s also only a few days before Valentine’s Day, so I know this is my chance to write something deep and meaningful about love. Thankfully I’ve figured out a way to combine both topics in a column that could only be called:

LOVE IS LIKE A HOTDOG GUY WHO GETS KICKED OUT BY THE HOME DEPOT

Imagine you’re a big-box home improvement store. Your color scheme involves a lot of orange, and you sell hammers and pipes and what-have-you for reasonable prices. One day you meet a hotdog guy, and things just click. He can stand outside your door and peddle his wares; you get something that sets you apart from the other big-box home improvement store a few hundred yards away. In other words, you complete each other.
At first, things are great. In the honeymoon period you wonder how you ever got on without a hotdog guy outside your front door, and the hotdog guy’s business has never been better. You come to almost take the hotdog guy for granted, and he you. The two of you sit at home nights, figuring out what your sales flyer is going to be or preparing the next day’s sauerkraut, and sometimes you can go hours without talking.
And then, suddenly, you start to lose interest in the hotdog guy. You start thinking to yourself, “You know, that would be a great place to put some snow-blowers.”
Well, friends, I’m here to say to you, “Let the hotdog guy stay.” Sure, snow-blowers are new and pretty, but you and the hotdog guy have something special going on. Something unique to the two of you, and you should nurture and cherish that.
My wife Brooke and I have been married for less than two years, but we just celebrated our ten-year anniversary of “going out”, which is a term worthy of quotation marks when you’re in high school and don’t actually go out anywhere, as was the case with us. And every day, I thank my lucky stars that she loves me and continues to love me, because I know that there’s no way my life would be anywhere near as wonderful if she wasn’t in it.
So this Valentine’s Day, I would urge you to metaphorically cherish your hotdog guy. And if you’ve got a real hotdog guy, you can literally cherish him as well. Because, sure, you can have a big-box home improvement store without a hotdog guy, but can I buy my wonderful wife a knish when we have to go buy paint for the house? The answer, I’m sad to say, is “Not without going to a deli.”
Wait…what was this supposed to be about again?

What do you guys think?

Just got this! This shot was taken at last summer's Wizard World Chicago, and it's as good a pictorial representation of who I am and what I do as you're likely to find.

New entry is up at Book of Shenanigans. Pay attention now, because soon we'll be ruling the world. The world, I tells ya!

I want to apologize for the long, agonizingly long time without a new update. I know you were waiting in breathless anticipation, and I know several of you died of asphyxiation. I apologize.

Anyway, life continues apace. We painted our living room this 3-day weekend and put up curtains. I await word from several possible interesting freelance opportunities, while nothing solid has materialized as of yet. I've got a very big, very busy trade show to attend in a couple of weeks, which is always chaotic fun.

Things with the comic are also proceeding, although it feels like it's at a snail's pace. I just want to have all 4 issues in the can, but that feels like it's a long way off. In fact, it is a long way off. I really hope we can all pull this off.

Soon, hopefully, I'll be able to give you all a special sneak peek at the cover art that will kick everyone's ass.