That was the rejected title for this column I wrote about Halloween. I wasn't exactly married to it though, so no worries. Anyway, enjoy. And happy Halloween! I'll be giving out candy tonight, so stop by if you want candy.

I think the suburbs are getting a bum rap.

Yeah, that's right, I said it. I think the suburbs are pretty cool, but everyone seems so down on them. Everywhere you turn, some movie or TV show is exposing the "dark underbelly that lies beneath the perfect veneer of the suburbs," and everyone thinks they're really darn clever when they make that observation. I don't know...I'm pretty sure none of my neighbors are keeping a dude chained up in their basement, so I'm going to assume that "Desperate Housewives" is more of a fantasy than a pseudo-documentary sitcom-verité.

But if you were to judge from TV and movies, you'd think every suburb in the world is full of shallow, soulless people who’d just as soon stab you in the back as they'd stab you, literally, in the back. But that simply hasn't been my experience of suburbia. In fact I think I can prove, scientifically, that the suburbs are superior to cities and rural areas. Ready?

Halloween.

Game, set, match. Halloween is the greatest non-feast-based holiday (I like it, but I'm not prepared to say it's better than a holiday where the entire point of it is to eat a huge meal), and there is nowhere you can celebrate Halloween with more fun and efficiency than in the suburbs.

First, I should offer a word of explanation about me and Halloween. I love this holiday. When most kids stopped trick-or-treating I continued. And then I continued some more. I seriously went trick-or-treating in college. Heck, I'd go this year, but I think I've finally passed the threshold where the reaction to me showing up on somebody’s doorstep clutching a shopping bag would be less "Aren't you a little old for this?" and more "The police have been called and they're on their way." At this point I have to wait a few years until my child is old enough that I can pretend I'm really going out for his or her benefit.

I can't say what I love the most about trick-or-treating. Maybe it was the crisp Autumn air as you run around in the dark with your friends, dressed in scary costumes and acting wild with full parental blessing. Or maybe it was that you asked people for free candy and they gave you free candy. Probably the latter. But the whole of Halloween has a magical feeling to it that isn't replicated any other time of the year. It's like a holiday designed by six-year-olds.

And as wonderful as it is, you can't experience it properly anywhere but in the suburbs. In a city you end up trick-or-treating inside huge, well-lit apartment buildings. Lame. Trick-or-treating is meant to be done in the cold, in the dark and with the sound of dead leaves crunching under your feet. In rural America, the houses are so far apart you could trick-or-treat all night and only get three pieces of candy. And you need to get a lot of candy because chances are good at least 25 percent of it is going to be garbage. Which reminds me - to the people who give out Mary Janes: don't.

No, suburbs and housing developments give kids and developmentally arrested young adults the perfect venue to get the maximum amount of candy in the minimum amount of time and provide the perfect setting to do so. I can remember being a kid and trying to strategically plan which development you were going to hit. Arcadia Hills? Hambletonian Park? Briar Wood? There were a lot of factors to be weighed, including which had the highest concentration of houses that were likely to give out full-size candy bars (the Halloween Holy Grail) and which had the most people who were likely to give out change and raisins (the Halloween Kryptonite).

So the next time some city mouse or country mouse tries to make you feel bad about where you live, telling you that the picket fences and neatly trimmed hedges of the suburbs hide a dark side, tell them, "I know. There were witches and goblins and zombies swarming all over my lawn this week, and they were having a blast. What did your kids do on Halloween?"

If you're a richie and you have cable, make sure to tune into IFC this week and watch the obscure 80s horror film Madman, the only obscure 80s horror film starring my father's best friend as a guy who chops up teenagers. Do it!

I'm sure everyone's seen the Shining trailer by now, so I'd like to offer something different. One of our best Mego customizers has a website where he's got some clips from Twisted ToyFare showcasing his customs. Check it out for some out of context clips and maybe even some full strips...not sure about that last one, though. Either way, more Twisted ToyFare goodness online!

Baby update: We started and got a good way into painting the nursery last weekend. Purple lace. Very pretty.